A Liberal Apology
What follows was printed in the European and Mideast editions of Stars and Stripes, a Department of Defense-authorized daily newspaper distributed overseas for the U.S. military community.
"I — and my other second-rate colleagues on the faculty of University of Maryland University College — would like to apologize to the author of “Leftist ideas rule academia” (letter, July 2) for our spreading of liberal doctrine in our classrooms.
We have been unbelievably inconsiderate in failing to take into consideration the havoc that having to consider alternative points of view creates in the conservative mind. Accordingly, these changes to the UMUC curriculum will be made:
* As an English teacher, I take responsibility for promoting what we liberals smugly refer to as “literature,” with its tendency toward asking questions rather than supplying answers. To accommodate conservatives, questions will be mostly eliminated. Hamlet’s “To be or not to be, that is the question” will now be taught as “To be. Yep, that’s the answer.” Trashy liberal novels such as “Huckleberry Finn” will be replaced by “Aesop’s Fables” and “The Collected Writings of Bill O’Reilly.”
* History. At no time will America be shown to have done anything morally questionable at any place or under any circumstances. Slavery never happened; or if it did, it was invented by the French.
* Geography. Maps will show only the United States and those countries currently supporting us, such as Great Britain and Guam.
* The sciences. As every good conservative knows, the universe was created on April 23, 6004 B.C. at 9:23 a.m. Central Standard Time by Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson and Rush Limbaugh. Everything was perfectly constructed and therefore there is no need for the liberal concept of “evilution.” Other liberal notions to be removed from the classroom will include gravity, the heliocentric solar system (the absurd idea that the Earth goes around the sun — a heresy for which liberal propagandists Galileo and Copernicus were rightly condemned), and the concept of the “round Earth.”
We hope this clears everything up, and, again, we’re really sorry for confusing everybody.
Harrogate, United Kingdom"